Friday, July 31, 2009

Why I am not a real man.

just a pic from this am, did my cicuit got the papers 10 sp of wader at the sewage plant. 4 Solit Sands, either their Migration route has shifted, or there are more of them. I am now averaging 20 a year easily, with 7 in a day once. No land birds of note. Slowly getting warm, expecting my long time birding Chum Claude E tomorrow, will be fun to spend the day birding with something that talks back, Terriers are limited. Hell Claude and I go back 35 years,and he is on my list of "If you go after him, you go through me" friends, his companion Mike is in the same "Pod". Two of the nicest human beings you could ever hope to meet, have not seen him in ten or more years. It is good to have REAL totally honest friends. They are hard to find. If you find one DO not lose them, and defend them like a rabid dog.
I digress.
I come in from birding.
OH silly Me, the following is not to be used as an example of Male hostility, or how a marriage can be destroyed after 36 years, copied By Dr Phil, or in anyway used to describe my sexual predilictions, political views, the non status of my bank account, is in compiance with nafta bbc and other regulations. Illegal copying will result in a sudden bang on the door and SWMBO will be parking her broom and cauldron with you for a week. People who are not tough enough to eat real SPAM, with the salty snot on top should stop here. Contains no MSG and only 25% of the total daily requirement of bullshit. Can cause sleep deprivation, suicide, enlarged gonads, bleeding, vomiting, voting republican. Am I the only one fed up with that stuff. Why don't cars have a warning sticker on them like drugs ? I am sure GM and Ford kill more people a year and should have warning stickers on their product bigger than the ones on my sun tan cream ?
Oh Manliness
Here is a conversation for your entertainment. M is Me S is SWMBO PD is the "Perfect Dickhead " from down the street. It is a one act play.
Please feel free to adapt it and use it at your local Playhouse.
The scene, the kitchen of a modest rental in Blythe it is early morning and the temperature is rising. The front yard contains 3 large Pine trees whose fallen needles poison the soil killing the Grass, that S is trying to nurture. There is sufficient greenery in the 40 by 20 foot area, that a gram of Crystal Meth and 3 continuation school student drop outs could get it done with nail scissors in 30 minutes
M entering from right, with bag of optics in one hand the newspapers in the other.
S Can't you shut the door after you ?
M I have my handsfull !
S Isee ( heavy on the sarcasm)
M piles stuff on table turns around and shuts door. Move camera in close to catch the here we go again look on his face, sits down and realises the coven has decreed something,
M Did you notice the lawn needs mowing ? (Pan camera to lawn you could play an entire NFL season on and never bend a blade ).
M Frankly no .
S Thats typical of you, you don't care about the yard.
M For christs sake we live in the desert we can gravel it and Xeroscape it for nothing. The gravel is free and.....
S (Back turned stalks to the refridgerator ) I suppose you would like a cold drink ? Well they are in here, I will go get the lawnmower.
M (under muffled breath) Go ahead knock yourself out, like i give a shit to start with.
M (Gets on phone with splendid friends mike and Claude, S walks off stage left and leaves door and gate both open Terriers run off down street. S bursts in and shrieks)
S You let the dogs out you asshole
M No you did.
S Ok, I did, what are we going to do?
M We are doing nothing. You let them out you catch them.
SHORT INTERMISSION as the rest of the converation is deleted due to foul untrue language, blood spitting, hurling of snake bundles , hob goblins, hob thrushes, and assorted shrieking of vile curses, and threats of bowel twisting ,cramping of the groins and head swelling. M slowly closed the door and went back to his cross word.
Time passes M wanders aimlessly through the hhouse picking up a book finding something interesting he drags out another book and soon a Mont Blanc of literature, sufficient to hide behind is bequeathed to the kitchen table. Rap at the door.
S and PD clutching terriers. Toss them im in,M closes screen door.
s and PD scan M and say in unison, with vibratto and pathetic fear.
In unison
S and PD, You are in your pyjamas already at 10:30 in the morning ?
M No if you were to be aware you will notice I am wearing a loose cotton top, which also serves as a Night shirt, and baggy cotten pyjama pants which are also light weight , and in this weather are supremely comfy. You may have noticed other people on the face of the god damn earth in similar climates, wearing the same fu999g stuff. And quite frankly at sixty I will wander around with nothing but a ...
S and PD exit rapidly.
Pan to view through front window. S and PD fussing over lawnmower. Gets started amidst giant clouds of blue smoke. S starts shoving lawnmower backwards and forwards generating carbon emissions larger than a Diplodocus footprint, or a barn of flatulent rhinos.
m sighs and hunches over computer, door bell rings. This is of course a real bell like Wols including a tuft of eeyores tail(actually my horse and it does have the sign)
M Opens door thoughtfully.
PD You know if you were a real man you would mow the lawn for your wife
( Intermission I have never had a more perfect set up in my life,. I just could not believe he said that. I almost fell over. Gosh it was perfect. I was stunned for a second at his naeivity ")
M ( screaming with laughter inside )
M You know what I thought you were an asshole, but if YOU want to be a real man then why don't you go and mow the lawn, for my wife. That is the best F---g trade I have ever heard of, good luck with putting up with her, and trim the edges"
M Slams door
The end
I have not seen either of them since.
Looks like it is Fried British Spam,and HP baked beans on toast with a splash of Lee and Perrins and a cold Guinness for dinner tonight.My care package of imported british foods arrived from Barry at the tea cosy Ah the food of Princes It sure is nice and quiet around here.
Won't last, probably met up with the covern. My right leg is kinda swelling.
All for fun. Unless of course you are here !

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